41 Days

I am finally on the downside of six weeks, definitely a milestone for me. Looking forward to finalizing everything. I’m glad I didn’t do too much in the beginning. If everything was done, I would be so bored!

We keep Dallas’ door shut because we don’t want the cats in there. Since it’s shut, we rarely remember that it’s so awesome there. But every now and then I’ll walk over to the laundry room and I get this urge to go inside the room. I open the door and look around, imagining what it will be like when he’s here. I sit down on a box on the floor and day dream. I think about all the sleepless nights…about holding him…staring at him…feeding him…the crying…the smiling…the first time I hear him laugh…reading to him…playing with him…watching him sleep…………all these amazing things I’ve been waiting for and planning for over the past 34 weeks. This “dream” is about to become a reality. It is going to change our lives forever. It’s not going to be about us anymore. No more jumping in the car and running off somewhere. There will be diapers and a million other things I have to be sure I have with us.

I have this “idea” of how I want his life to be. It’s not perfect, but it’s close. I want to be there 100%. To witness all the beautiful things he’ll do for the first time in these first couple years. I can’t imagine leaving someone I have had closer than close to me for the past nine months. I can’t imagine having to wonder what he’s doing, if he’s crying, if he’s happy, if he’s scared. I want to be there, to take care of it for him. I can’t bear the thought of it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million more times, I am trusting in God 110% to provide and make my desire a reality. I was told it was a selfish wish but I’ve come to believe that it’s a selfless desire. This is all about someone other than myself and making sure that they are taken care of and comfortable. After all, God has given us the responsibility and no one else. I will have to answer for how I handle the responsibility.

God has shown me in the past couple months that He hears me and He loves me, all in a way I’ve never known. The following song is a constant reminder of this…

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

He has blessed us (Danny and me) beyond comprehension and when I think of all the things He has done or made a way for, it helps me to know and NOT TO DOUBT that this desire of my heart will come to pass. Thank you Jesus for hearing me when I call.